prototype

What am I doing slumming around in 2012? I had a lot to talk about that year. And I came across the prototype for Troutslap/SockSmack. I never sent this to the person in question, opting for it to just turn into a big ol' thing.

Dear so-n-so,

Seriously? Why can't you let this go? I had to remove myself from the conversation before I cursed any more. And can you blame me? I'm fed up with this system, fed up with having to explain myself, fed up with having to explain myself in a nice enough tone so I can be walked over some more. So excuse me.

And I had kept it to "apology accepted" and that was that because I didn't want to say anything else. I didn't want it do devolve any more than it did. I was content to shut the fuck up and not talk about it for awhile. But I just kept taking your bait. And fuck me running for failing whatever test you had set up and accepting your apology because you DID. FUCK. UP.

And I really need to change my thing on here to masochist since I'm still replying to you. In no particular order and with pockets of anger because I don't feel like tone-policing myself...

BUT FIRST. The inevitable and obligatory things that I knew were going to pop up because that is how things go: * My anger is valid and justified. Stop derailing. * No one wins at the Oppression Olympics. Stop derailing. * In general, really, stop. Derailing.

• [Intersectionality is a thing]. No one asked you to "put everything else down."

• In response to "you think my opinion is invalid because I'm white!"

• Getting called out is not the end of the world. It is not a personal attack. Stop doing this. Learn from it and move on.

• http://www.arewhitepeopleraciallyoppressed.com/

• Discriminated, yes. Racially oppressed? No.

I'll keep this short and only reply within the scope of this message (and for the record, it's not an issue of class; it's a race issue).

• I don't resent you because you're white. I'm resenting you because you refuse to get the point in the name of race politics, that you couldn't let the matter drop after I had thrown in the towel, complain about the links I managed to find that sufficiently summed up what I couldn't articulate. And you've done what the majority of my white friends have done: flip out and do the same tired old tropes and making it all about them and their feelings. In case my tone hasn't indicated it by now, I'm getting real tired of that.

• I didn't ask you to devote countless hours of your time. All I asked is to read up and try to understand where I'm coming from. All I asked if that you be respectful when a PoC, yes, a PoC says something. All I asked was that you CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE AT THE DOOR. If you didn't want to do that much legwork, then I can't help you.

• In fact, I don't have to help you. I could have just logged off after just saying "K, but you rong doe." I SHOULD have. But I care about you enough to try to explain Why Shit's Busted at the chance that I'll run out of patience and lose my temper- to keep it to the optimistic scenario.

• Reparations-for-what-your-ancestors-did. That keeps popping up. Yea, the past is the past but it's the reason why the way things are NOW. Why the systems in place that are out to kill me are in place NOW. You may not take part in the Big Things, but there's also the little, tiny things that you have to watch out for. The thing that makes you stop and think "damn, I did not realize that." THAT is a part of unpacking. THAT was what I was referring to.

• I've not once said you were perfect. Sure, you may have it easier in some aspects, but your life isn't perfect.

One last thing(s?): * "shoehorn race into everything I care about"? At least you have a choice. WELCOME TO MY FUCKING LIFE. I LIVE WITH THE SHOEHORNING. EVERY DAMN DAY. NO MATTER WHERE I AM.

• And fuck you, I WAS triggered. You think this is a walk in the park for me? You think the feeling of not being able to breathe, the crushing guilt of upsetting someone, the wall of impossible height that I have to scale is just something I'm making up? That it took me ten minutes to come to my senses before I could even type a sentence? Seriously. Fuck you. And fuck you double because you STILL brought it up knowing that it's going to upset me, and have the gall to be upset when I finally blow up at you and log off before I did any more damage. THE CONVERSATION WAS TRIGGERING AND VERY STRESSFUL FOR ME. Particularly the whole (and paraphrasing here) "The term PoC isn't good enough." No matter the subject it isn't your place to question whether I was triggered or not.

I'm just gonna stop right here.

/me breathes slow

But I'm sending you this, I am forcing myself to go through your message entire, because this is important to me. Because you took your time to write it all out, the least I could do is at least read it all.

It's fine if you don't read it and delete it outright. It's fine if want to want to say goodbye over this. This is my catharsis. I am through playing this game of "Smile and Nod and Say Nothing to Rock the Boat" and I'm going to have to come to terms with losing people over this. Fine.

Take care of yourself.